I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
