new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
