I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
