just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
