i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
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