true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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