I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
