Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
