I met the friendliest cop last night
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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