even my farts smell like vagina
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
