i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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