why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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