I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
