my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
