Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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