Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
