I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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