party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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