Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
