Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
