The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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