Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
i now understand why vodka
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
