Your dad touched me again.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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