I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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