thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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