i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
