life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
