The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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