So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
