You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I party with great urgency now.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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