go do what you do best...puke behind churches
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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