You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
