I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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