Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
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