My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
