Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
