I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
We had to coat check the pizza.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
