I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Im part way to drunk.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
