So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
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stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
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Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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