I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
