my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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