I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
This toilet bowl is my home.
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