so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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