I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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