I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
