My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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