He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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