Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm having to shit out rocks
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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