My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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