yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
