Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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