JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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