Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
