Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
