Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
