im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
