It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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