God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
