Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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