Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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