Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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